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Holla!
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| | Subject: | ive been doing tarot readings... | | Time: | 02:07 pm |
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| so last night i kind of got angry at jason and overreacted over something and i ended up driving home at 3 am....i knew i was pmsing..i felt bad about it.. and now i just feel really sad
so i did myself a tarot card reading.. which ive been doing recently.
i pulled up the
FIVE of cups..
which is just.. extremely relevant.
the five of cups means
Five of Cups A very well known card; a young man looks down in despair at three spilled cups of wine, never seeing the two still standing. This is the card of spilled milk, one of the easiest to read. The Querent (me) is obsessing over what is lost, rather than being glad for what they still have. The Querent might be feeling disappointed in someone for not living up to their expectations, making them blind to the person's good qualities. Or the Querent themselves did something they now regret, and they just can't get past it. The problem, "How do I get past this?" The answer, "Your own blindness is what keeps you from getting past it. Open your eyes, look around, stop staring at what is wrong and bad and see what is right and good!" A simple but important answer! Wow. then after i asked a couple other questions.. one of them being.. about my current relationship and what the future holds for the two of us. The ace of cups shows up.
ACE of cups. Abundance of love. Joy, celebration. Love with wisdom. Fertility. Marriage, declaration of love. New love, inspired creativity. Artistic excellence. A love affair. Marriage, birth. A blessing from out of the blue. Someone cares for you. A gift, especially of love. A gift of a ring.
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| | Subject: | things i think are beautiful. | | Time: | 06:47 pm |
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| 
 two skeletons from the Neolithic period locked in a tender embrace and buried outside Mantua.... just 25 miles south of Verona, the city in which shakespears little romeo and juliet story was set in. dates back 5k-6k years ago... believed to have died young because their teeth are still intact
 <
 the center of our galaxy viewed from an infrared camera. infrared penetrates much of the dust allowing us see whats behind the dust....the stars of the crowded galactic center region for the very first time.
side note:
i want a graphophone for christmas. please.santa god. thank you. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| i fucking LOVE being back in the studio!!!
not only do i remember everything from brp.. im learning so much about the ssl console:
i have a huge boner for it. i love it i love it i love it i love it. at first i was so intimidated and i felt like there were too many buttons and i will never learn everything
but i dominated that shit.
i OWN the SSL. or PWN rather.
and this is awesome and everything but now i just feel like
yesterday andrew, jason and i jammed for 3 hours and recorded it! and it sounded jawesome.
i would like to pologize to anybody whose been trying to hang out with me for months now.
im sorry. i am not ignoring or abandoning you for those who take things super personally. i still have heart boners for all of you. i promise.
My schools getting CEREAL now.
Super 
and my Mon,tues,wed,thurs,friday,sat days consist of the occasional sleep...then getting up early for class, then i have studio time in ssl or neve. then a lunchables snack food, with a small bag of skittles for dessert THAT I SHARE with the peers i care about. No you may not have some unless i place it gently BUT firmly in your hand with a smile....and if you have to ask youll never get any.
Then work at EA, then i go home to pet marbles for 5 minutes, then <3jason while studying, then the macaroni and cheese dinner (with hot dogs and whatever food coloring i choose to color my macaroni im going for red next time), then sleep. around 11ish pmish 12ish amish 1ish amish.
and on sundayish i go to work at the restaurant... and i have from 4-8pm to myself entirely.... so
you know.
but that doesnt mean you cant call me to talk on the phone because i still want to know whats going on in all your lives.. including the occasional philosophical conversation.
like i said... heart boners.
oh look its GOD kitty. it has been proven.
this is the word of the lord.
praise be to god kitty. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| im retarded.
im really mad at myself.
i need to STOP! and do things by myself. i have been spending every single day with jason and its amazing.. i love it and i love him but im starting to get greedy. greedy for more attention and greedy for more sex which is rare because in the past i usually never cared and never asked for more. but in this one im just getting greedy and wanting more. I wish i knew how to stop that. its like the more i get the more i want... theres no limit.. theres no boundaries its liek black or white when it comes to boyfriends... in other areas of my life.. that is not so
i am no a drug addict.. an alcoholic .. and the more alcohol i get.. i could care less whether or not i will get more in the future... but in a relationship.. i treat boyfriends like a drug addiction... i try not to demand things this time.
and its painful when i actually dont get what i want.. or when i dont see them for a while. and i get angry. when i dont get sex when i want it.. when i dont get attention when i want it most... i get frustrated and angry and what sucks is that not only am i angry at myself im angry at THEM.. when they did nothing wrong. The difference now, is that i have a boyfriend that is actually willing to put up with me.. as i am willing to put up with his faults. Not only is he putting up with me, he tries fixing things... he tries meeting my high expectations and reaches them very well and reaches them high when he succeeds... he really really fucking cares and i cant be like "you dont care!" .. because he so obviously does and that is really amazing. it makes me not want to be this way...
why am i like this?? GOD i need a therapist bad. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| it seems like most my posts are jason jason jason jason asjiaodjasiodnn
i honestly cant help it, hes my new (and old) love, hes all i think about recently.
so i guess ill try talking about something else.
school life: going well. havent gotten anything less than an A so far. I just started a new term, IRP, and history of music production. let me tell YOU walter cronkite. ITS NICE to be back in the studio again!!!! oh yes.
oh yes. i have a huge boner for the SSL console for cerial.
work life: good... im starting to do other work besides fixing stuff at EA... which is cool i guess.. i made some nerdy friends .. they give me peanut butter M&MS and keep them stocked on my desk. I only work sunday mornings at my restaurant job. I got bitched out by some fat lady who was too fat to reach her straw, and asked me if i could hand it to her. Then she ordered the whole menu. and complained when i didnt give her everything at once. and got me introuble because apparently i have an "attitude." If this were my lucid dream she would be choking on her own intestines before me.
Personal life: Well, my rooms a complete mess.. i just dont know what to do about it anymore. Part of it is due to the fact that i KEEP BUYING CLOTHES... and never washing them. Theres a pile the size of a million dead babies on my bed. I havent slept in my room for what seems like 3 months now. I hardly get any sleep anymore. I weighed myself this morning, 126. My hairs black and blonde.. ive been wearing my septum piercing more often... i need to play more music... which jason inspires me to do more often. <3 amazing. My relationship with my mom is really good.. and my dad.. not as good.. havent seen him in a while and he insists on keeping his secret life..secret away from me.. makes me sad. My sister is the same.. still cant find that one true love she always looks for.. i honestly think shes found it but she keeps wasting her time on guys that dont matter because shes not ready to settle down. Which is ok. She is having fun. She still drinks a lot of wine. Ive been scrying a lot, and im seeing improvements.
Financially: i owe 5000 dollars on my credit card. this all started with me buying my g5, and struggled to pay it off.. then spent a lot of money on my last relationship..driving to the city everyday, eating out a lot, buying things for us and him, presents and such and never paying things off... and driving to oakland.. for school.. i filled my tank almost every few days. Jasons been paying for a lot of things recently and it makes me feel uncomfortable and nice at the same time. Although, i have been buying him a lot of presents too.. and making a lot of dinners.. i should be careful with my money.
love life: I am inlove again, but with someone more compatible this time. he makes me feel special yaay.Honestly, I think of the pain of my last relationship every now and then, running things through my head like they once were. i feel like its still kind of there. Its not like i feel pain, but its more like a consistent fear of not wanting that to happen again. Not wanting that feeling of abandonment, distrust, and betrayal (honestly, its not like my last boyfriend was an ass hole, we were just two completely different people, completely different times in our life. just incompatible and thats ok) and it almost makes me question jasons intentions. When he tells me he loves me. Every now and then, i feel anger that it did happen, not blaming anyone, but i have to keep remembering that if it didnt happen, then i probably wouldn't have started dating jason now. or maybe i would have eventually. Who knows. All the pain kept my heart closed during the beginning of jason and i. He could tell i wasn't opening up entirely. Whats amazing is how patient he was with me, and how amazing he has been treating me. A couple days ago, i spent some time thinking about him, and our past friendship and something finally just opened in me. I am dating JASON. He is someone i have been attracted to for YEARS and just eventually forgot about!! And whats amazing is not only am i seriously attracted to him, not only is he one of my good friends, we're compatible, and he treats me better than i have ever been treated. Someone I could finally say "this is how i deserve to be treated." It just makes me want to let go of everything .. every regret.. every resentment ive held towards my last relationship/relationships and just say "none of that matters... none of it matters anymore...WHO CARES anymore.. its in the past"
i was looking at some archives the other day and found some pictures of jason that seriously reminds me of how i used to feel about him when i was 16...
( pictures )
i often asked myself the question...why didnt we date sooner and you know what? we were NEVER single at the same time! he was always in and out of relationships really fast and so was i.. and all of them destructive..just like mine..... jason was the one depending on the other and getting hurt. and so was mine.
im sure if we had dated any sooner it wouldnt have worked out at all. its just interesting to me. the experiences that lead you from place to place.. you have to go through things in order to get somewhere new.
ive been spending a lot of time with him.. every single day since we started dating and we dont seem to be getting sick of each other one bit. We actually miss each other when we're apart for only a couple hours.. and cant stop sending each other sweet text messages throughout the day. Mutual love. Thats so .. i cant explain how much i have always wanted this. its almost hard to accept. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | i hate. | | Time: | 01:34 pm |
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| it's disappointing sometimes to talk to you. or to attempt to talk to you. i hate that you think that youre in this all alone. i hate that i come off as this creepy self-absorbed asshole. i hate that im the type of person that needs to be avoided sometimes. i hate that im so goddamn incapable of harnessing the juevos to make real and profound changes in my life, changes that are so desperately needed. i hate that you have such a low self-image and that maybe i had a part in creating it. i hate that i put myself in this situation. i hate that i resent the person i trust most in this world for relying on me for support and income. i hate that you have dismissed me out of hand. i hate that of all fucking people, youre the one that i chose. i hate you for the way you make me feel. i hate that someone so severely fucked up can make me feel lacking in so many vital ways. i hate that you hold that power over me. i hate that i feel like im always comprimising myself for you, even though you would never know it. i hate that ive become this weird strange version of myself spouting foolishness lying to everyone, above all myself. i hate that you could be so stupid not to see me as i am. i hate that youre so much like me. i hate that the words that come out of your mouth become mine. i hate that you distance yourself from me. slowly but surely. i hate that you terrify me so much. i hate that nothing else in this world seperates us but my own personal limitations.
i hate that i will never know you as i see you. i hate that ill never be able to see it firsthand. i hate everything you are, but only because you ARE me. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | holy shit. | | Time: | 06:56 pm |
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| ok. so tomorrow i leave at 6:30am for chicago. i'm there until 6:00pm monday. then i leave for italy.
i'm freaking the fuck out.
probably because i'm not done packing. and i have 100 things to do. and i have a sinus infection.
but i can't complain. i'm going to fucking italy.
i think i might have wifi in my paris hotel. so maybe i'll update then.
if not, see you bitches in 2 weeks. or man. maybe never again if i stay. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| i fucking love jason murphy
i must have the best boyfriend
in the fucking world. he should win some kind of award. hahah. "biancas best boyfriend ever" award
with music and balloons and confetti, and elephants and batons flying in the air. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| this will explain the reason why i am the way i am:
my conversation with my dad today:
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| | Time: | 01:13 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/punquinheads/pink/loved.gif) loved |
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| im starting to do the things that i do. i know myself. very well
i spent several hours obsessively looking, searching, through my past messages on myspace. my inbox. you know myspace keeps every single message you received since you first started a myspace profile? its amazing. its like going through these archives of your experiences. I went all the way back.. deeep deeep deep. searching for hints of my life that would lead me to where i am now. Past quarrels with ex boyfriends, messages from people i dont even talk to anymore.. from james telling me how much he used to love me, to us just insulting each other later.. from flirting with other new love interests to starting up what would become good friendships, and bad ones. I was trying to remember what it was like, how i felt at each moment.
Really, though, instead of reminiscing, i was searching for something.
my goal was searching for messages i have sent, or received to/from jason in the past when we were just friends. there are some... but theyre random.. small chit chat. so i decided to look at old posts.. on my lj and on his old lj, tinkerfuckbell, looking at all his old pictures from when i knew him.. remember how big his nick cave hair used to be?! and looking at old comments i used to post on his lj... we shared a lot with each other. i totally didnt remember. because for the past two years we just stopped talking. and it seemed almost out of no where. just one day.. poof.
i was looking for just hints, signs that would point to us ending up together... "was it obvious?" type of thing.
One thing i got from it, is that i was always jealous of whoever he was interested in. I mean shit, he was never single!
but neither was i.
I never stopped being attracted to him, and I never really admitted it to myself... at all. I was always just so physically attracted to him, but we never got too close.
i was slightly jealous no matter who i was with or whatever relationship i was in at the time, still jealous. i would think about the people hes dating.. and i would always know who he was dating at what time, and wonder if hes happy.
its weird. not in an obsessive sort of way, i also wasn't expecting us to ever be together, although he says he kind of knew we would. interesting.
I remember him writing one time that he met somebody and that he was really angry that he let them slip through his fingers. I remember wondering if that was me, and hoping it was for whatever reason. i REALLY liked his attention and i never admitted it to myself for whatever reason. i eventually stopped paying much attention to it. Its just interesting to me. whats also interesting is that i realize that the problems he had in his relationships.(giving his all to somebody, ended up smothering the other person) is very similar to problems in my past relationships, so theres this mutual understanding of each other, we want to be with one another. its balanced. yet, from time to time i get anxious and paranoid that he will get tired of me, or feel smothered. he told me that its just not going to happen. hes so fucking amazing. im glad im finally letting this relationship happen... i was resisting it at first, because i wasnt sure, but now im sure..
Im starting to do these things now, things that i do when im realizing.. that im falling in love all over again. its growing more and more everyday. it feels good, and like usual when you fall in love, its a little scary. the only differences is..
i trust jason more than i have ever trusted anyone in my life.
and im ready for anything now.
wow.
i love jason murhpy..i fucking love jason murhpy!! what the hell.. i never ever thought id be saying it.. feeling it... but i do.
:D wow | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | You know it's going to be a rocking good day.... | | Time: | 07:36 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/niaha/kitty/ankwinkg.gif) Rocking Out! |
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| ... when Guns and Roses comes on the radio while you're driving to work!
"Where do we go...
Where do we go now...
Where do we go...
Sweet child o' mine!!!" | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Tags: | )'( | | Subject: | Brain Mattery Like Stuff | | Time: | 10:49 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/niaha/kitty/ankhappyg.gif) excited |
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| I thought the following was interesting, so I rapidly copied it and posted it to my LJ:
Defining Stupidity:
- Someone who consciously makes bad decisions. (exacerbating)
- Someone who is deliberately cruel and then pays the consequences for their actions by appearing ignorant to others.
- The latter implies external control over one's life. Therefore, the "target" cannot be "blaimed" (back to the exacerbation).
- Someone who is just plain "slow".
- However, the target is aware of its "slowness". (more exacerbation)
And on a completely different note, look at this:
http://blog.burningman.com/
It even mentions Bonnaroo, which I had a big discussion about on Saturday. She goes to Bonnaroo and I go to Burning Man and we were discussing the differences. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| i just got finished jamming with jason. we sounded really good. long heavy power chords. i was like yelling singing and now my throats all hurty. we're going to the shooting range right meow. shoot his shotgun its gonna be hella fun.
my last term was so fucking hard, i got everything i wanted to get done,... done. i have irp next term which is intermediate recording production i think thats what it stands for. i got my logic pro 2 cert and now have two certificates saying im certified in logic. awesome.
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Holla!
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